Until munchkin’s hair is long enough!
The oldest has been at his girlfriend’s house since Monday. Last night, she posted a video on my fb of him actually walking on a treadmill!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost cried! This was the first time I have seen him taking full strides with both feet instead of his normal take a step, then catch up with the other foot!! My husband and I are now looking for a treadmill for him so he’ll have one at both places.
I am so grateful and I thank God daily that my son is still alive!!!!!! Do Not get me wrong on that! I could not imagine life without him!!!!
But, I do miss the son I used to have, before the wreck that caused his TBI. He’s still my son, but, yet, there are differences. His personality is a little different. He used to always want to go do things, now it’s not always very easy to get him out of the house. Even his looks are a little different. His voice is not the same. His laughter isn’t even the same. It’s hard to put into words…
It’s hard not to cry some nights, after everyone has gone to bed. It’s almost like I mourn the son I had, yet am so thankful I still have the son I have. I cannot imagine how he must feel, as active as he used to be, and now he’s stuck in a wheelchair or using a walker. His coordination is so off. I think about how he and I used to go deer hunting with our compound bows, how he and his Dad would go deer hunting during rifle and muzzle loader seasons, and wonder if it’ll ever happen again? We haven’t gone fishing or camping in almost 3 years now. I miss it all, but yet, I’m afraid to try, afraid he’ll lose his balance using his walker and fall, or not be able to get around in his wheelchair. Not to mention, the thought of trying to camp or fish with a toddler added to the equation, and I just do not feel up to the task.
Even trips are more difficult. We have learned that just because a place is advertised as “Handicap accessible” it may not be truly accessible for him. I have had to argue with motel managers while trying to make reservations to get them to actually tell me what the room’s bathroom is like because not all bathrooms are set up the same, and some will not work for him, even though they stuck a bar on the wall and labeled it “accessible.” We’ve been in one that his chair wouldn’t even fit through the door!
He, along with a lot of other people, think that their choices only affect their lives. That is wrong. His lack of sleep which caused him to fall asleep while driving which in turn, caused his wreck, has affected our entire family and even our friends. We used to get together with our friends, but now it’s so seldom, it’s pretty much nonexistent.
I am not looking for pity, this is not a “feel sorry for us” post. I just want people to realize that they have to take care of themselves, do NOT drive if you are overly tired. Don’t think “Oh, I’m almost there, I’ll be fine.” It is way too easy to fall asleep and not even realize it! In a moment your life, and everyone’s, has changed.
For Christmas last year, my husband got me a new singer sewing machine. My old singer had finally kicked the bucket. Actually, I had been having problems with it for quite a while, but, it was an easy fix, just irritating – the bobbin would pop out of place. It had been getting worse, and to the point of being lucky to finish a seam before I’d have to fix it again.
I found a singer for under $100. and asked him to get me that one. I don’t sew a lot, just personal use. Instead, he did some looking and upgraded from the one I found. This one was labeled as “heavy duty!” It also claims to have an “easy 1 step buttonhole!” Easy, my a$$!!!!!!! I have yet to get it to make a decent buttonhole!!! And heavy duty? No WAY!!!! Get a couple layers of cotton, in with a layer of ruffle, and it doesn’t go over it very easily, I wouldn’t dare try denim on it, like the ad said!
It didn’t take too long to start having problems. The bobbin pops out of place and jams everything up. Everything I have found says to take a brush and clean it. I do that. You have to unscrew two little screws to open it up to get to the bobbin case, because believe me, you can’t just clean the area where you drop the bobbin! It is getting to the point of ridiculous!!! I am working on a dress for munchkin, and a matching one for her baby doll. I am now on the 4th time of it messing up and jamming completely!!!!! I have only had it 8 months!!
First thing it did was cause the then 16yo and 19yo to lay all blame squarely on dear old Dad. “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!!” (said in a demonic voice) “Geez, Dad! You’re worse than my dog!!” The then 11 yo was just plain excited from the start.
Then, we found out “It’s A Girl!” and that caused them all to start thinking and arguing over girl names, and pointing out cute frilly outfits.
During this time, the 19yo had a birthday, then his wreck.
Baby sister was then incentive to get out of the hospitals and back home before she was born. It was also talking to therapists about all the things he wanted to teach her.
After she was born, she turned those tough boys into big softies. They all held and snuggled her as much as they could, and did crazy things just to get her to smile and laugh.
Now, she’s 2. The Ruler of the Roost. She has turned them and their girlfriends into her minions, willing to do almost anything she demands. They will hold and rock baby dolls. They will pretend to take a stuffed puppy for a walk. They will sit still while she “fixes” their hair because “It’s a Mess!” They still do all kinds of crazy things to get her to laugh and smile. They will watch Mickey Mouse clubhouse nearly all day long, even if she’s not watching the tv, because they know that if she so much as glances, and it’s not Mickey, she Will YELL!
One thing they will not do is change diapers.
I greatly dislike potty training! But, not as much as I’m disliking buying diapers every week or two.
Problem is, Munchkin LOVES her diapers. Seriously. I have never seen a child throw a fit for diapers like she does. She actually gets excited when I put a package into the shopping cart, you’d think she was getting a new toy! And, it doesn’t help that they have Mickey Mouse on them. I know, simple solution would be to change brands, but she gets a rash with the other brands that we have tried.
So, we’ve played at potty training for several months now. I ask her daily if she wants her pretty new panties, occasionally she says “Yes.” but, after 2 accidents, she’ll cry and cry for a diaper, she’ll even climb on her changing table and try to put it on herself.
This week, I’m getting serious about it. She’s been getting panties on first thing in the morning, and no diapers until night time. It has honestly been a fight each morning to get her to put panties on, she screams and kicks, I remind her that she doesn’t like being called a baby, and diapers are for babies, and I hold her feet down and put them on her. She’d actually been doing pretty good! She’s even been waking up from naps still dry! We have even made a quick run to the store and she stayed dry. 2 days and only 1 accident!
Today, not so great. She has gone through several pairs, peed on several things, including my lap, and 2 “messy” accidents.
Tomorrow will be better!! (I hope!)
It has been a busy week. Started school with youngest son. 9th grade! Wow, where has time gone?????? Nope, it hasn’t gone exactly smoothly, it’s been very difficult to keep him on task, his mind is completely on dirt bikes.
He sold his Yamaha on Monday. Tuesday, I had to take a water sample to DEQ, and from there, we went to Tuttle to look at a KTM. Surprise, surprise, he bought it. The rest of the week has been “Can I ride? Can I go out and do such and such to my bike??”
I have a solution to the nightly medicine fight! We simply switched to taking the anti-depressants in the morning, and there’s been no problem so far. Such a simple solution, but yet, it has taken weeks to think of it.
And, now, I’ve got to get back to editing photos for two proof books.
I want a date night or weekend away with my husband. Even though we’re both at home, I feel like we haven’t had time together in a very long time.
My heart and prayers go out to the family of Robin Williams. The news devastated me. There is very little “celebrity news” that affects me, that I even pay attention to, I guess it’s because my feelings are, I really don’t know them, just their names and public personas. James Garner’s passing made me feel very sad, and now Robin Williams. I have nearly cried several times. I absolutely loved watching him, movies, stand-up, interviews.
I can’t help but wonder if now people when pay attention when I tell them that suicide is a near daily fear, some days worse than others. And, I ask for help for my son. Some days, we do not dare leave him home alone. When watching the news last night, and they stated How Mr. Williams did it, I just cringed and thought, “Well, now they gave my son another idea.” Anyone else ever notice how the media says too much a lot of the time?
Depression is probably our biggest battle with our oldest. And, I can understand why. He cannot do the majority of the things that he used to do. He cannot walk on his own, he cannot drive. He gets extremely shaky. His short term memory sucks. There have been small improvements, but not a lot in the last year.
His long term memory is there. He remembers all the friends he used to have. He remembers all the fun they used to have. He remembers all the things he did for them. He remembers going hunting and fishing.
He notices that no one comes to see him, or comes to get him the way he used to go get them when they didn’t have a vehicle and he did.
He has stated countless times that no one even remembers him, he can’t do anything, and he sees no reason to go on.
I pray constantly.
I know that there isn’t an outside source that will “cure” his depression and suicidal thoughts. But, I do know/notice that when he does actually get out and have fun, for the next few days, he’s somewhat better and motivated to do his therapy and do more. He has Hope for a couple days.
I get angry at times. When I see his old friends, they ask how he is, and tell me to tell him “Hi” for them. I tell them to go see him, he gets bored and lonely, I point out that he sits at home with me and his younger siblings. They say they will, but then they don’t. I tell him that it’s not that they have forgotten him, it’s that between college, jobs, new marriages, new babies, they really don’t have a lot of time. I make excuses for them. I have flat out told family members and close friends at times that we’re on “suicide watch.” I have asked for help. Help seldom comes.
All I can do is pray constantly.